Stay in and Play
Didn’t you hear? The New Colosseum is open!
Aren’t you coming? Attendance is mandatory after all.
What do you mean you don’t even know what the New Colosseum is? Wow, you’re really out of the loop, or ring I guess. Why, the New Colosseum is just the same as the old one. I mean, the New Colosseum doesn’t physically exist, because if it did, those damn Catholics would probably just use the stone for a Cathedral like they did the first time.
Who fights there? Not slaves or animals; no need to worry about that. We’re far past that barbaric phase. Yes, I suppose it is a little ironic to call the Romans barbaric, but please, let’s not get sidetracked here.
So if it’s not slaves or animals, who does the fighting? Well you do of course. So do I. So does everyone. Did you really think you could just watch? Get your sword and your sandals. Then again, maybe you should go for boots; speaking from experience, it gets pretty slick in there.
What do you mean you don’t have any fighting experience? Of course you do. You’ve fought before, haven’t you?
You don’t think a fistfight counts as a fight? Well, you’re right, in a way. The New Colosseum isn’t really about fist fighting, or any physical fight really. But still, you’ve definitely fought before: Whether it was for a raise at your job, for a cause at one of those government-backed protests — or the government-opposed protests I suppose — or even to get someone you’re interested in to look at you. Yes, I’m sure you’ve got more than enough experience to do very well in the New Colosseum.
But you don’t have any weapons to fight with? Of course you do, you silly goose. Your cunning is a dagger, your bravery a sling, your anger a flail. Why, you’ve got a veritable arsenal in that beautiful little brain of yours, much bigger than mine I’m sure. In fact, you’ve got so many weapons that you might want to leave some of them at home, lest you get weighed down.
And now you’re worried about what you’ll use for armor? No need to do that. Every layer of fear, stubbornness and denial in your mind is a shield, a pauldron, a pair of greaves. Given your denial of the New Colosseum’s existence until now and all the concerned questions you’re asking, I think you’ll be very well protected against whatever the New Colosseum throws at you.
What will it throw at you? Now you’re asking for spoilers; don’t you know that spoiling things is a criminal offense now? You’ll just have to find out for yourself. I promise it’s more fun like that anyway.
So come on, enter the New Colosseum. Just how bad could it be?
Freddie Bastiat is a law student who’s a fan of Yoko Taro games, college football, and the restoration of the Byzantine and Achaemenid Empires. You can find him on Twitter @Tht_Fat_Bastiat.